Lilith

So long has the silence reigned here. Even the faint echoes of past days were deafening in comparison. Perhaps we should put more effort into communicating the events of our strange life to others? Perhaps we should at the very least share where things have been a bit less silent.

http://tarathene.com (syndicated to LiveJournal as voices_ether)

I am told I should write
And so it is what I do
Just as I was told before

I did what they said to
All my questions were deferred
Kept for later thinking

That way I did not feel horror
To kill was needed in that place

And in that time it seemed
To do as I was told was right
The only way to survive then

Because we were perhaps in places
That we should not have been

Trying to do things that maybe
Were never our duty to do

I am the demoness
You made me be one
For all I enjoy it too
It is for and because
    Of you

Yeah, memes. Enjoy. XP

( My Interests Collage! )

( What I've been journaling about )

Hey, Tara! XD

If you ever get a camera that works without having to keep changing film, let's try to find some places that we won't get in much trouble over if we sneak in and take pictures of them, 'k? If we don't get caught we won't get in any trouble, but I know you don't want to have to worry much so let's find safe places and ones no one cares about you going into. I know mother will keep us safe when it comes to not doing things that are too stupid and unsafe to even consider! XD

Nice lightning last night while Tara was driving up to BBQ. Lots and lots of it and it was big stuff too, not just tiny single bolts of it. The kind that lasted a few seconds! XD BBQ was fun. I never seem to use this journal, maybe I should more.

I have had many long days worth of discussion with my mother and occasionally with her beloved Tara about the nature of my self. We have decided that I am almost certainly someone other than either of them, and not some combination of them. It feels strange to have even the slightest doubt about my existence. For several years, once upon a time, I lived. After that there was the vast nothing and everything of the Between. I know now that the few times I was able to touch anything from there, it was not because of my own will to do so. I was called, and I will likely continue to be called, by those who came to reckon me as the next closest thing to a goddess. My mother escaped such a fate by being so different than people thought of her. I was there amongst them, though, and thus I am bound to this race of creatures that we helped save. I am partially shaped by their thoughts of me, and each idea of theirs that I embrace in the end will only make me stronger in my self, yet also will make me less my own self and more the self they dream of me being. I will still be myself, just a different self. Thus is the price of tangible immortality. I will continue to be Lilith, but that is also what and who they know me as. I will always be the one who brought true war and peace to you all, and yet I also become something else. Become neither more, nor less, I become the demoness as well. I am one who resisted, who defied the orders of the gods. I am Lilith, eternally so.

Shadows whispering
All 'round twisting

Touching
Kissing
Caressing

Feathers covering
Weariness consuming

Holding
Encircling
Embracing

Thoughts soothing
Dreams protecting

I so very, very much enjoy playing the demoness that humanity has made me out to be. At times, though, I wonder where some of these desires and urges actually come from. Even I find it strange to enjoy talking about having my body ripped to pieces, but I cannot help but pursue just that at times. Thankfully I can have that urge mostly fulfilled online.

I have a girlfriend-ish-type-thing now. I'll have to get used to this, I guess. She makes me happy, which at this point is quite an achievement in itself. …am I going to need to start limiting access on some of these entries now? I hope not, though some things I put online might not be acceptable for public viewing. I will have to consider this carefully.

By the way, she sounds really cute on the phone. It's too bad that international calls cost so much.

I feel like I should wear glasses for some reason. This body doesn't need glasses though, so I don't know where it comes from. It's not from my past, at least not any past that I remember, and I don't remember anything other than simply existing besides the time I spent in a body so long ago as my mother's daughter. My desire to have a motorcycle is explainable, but glasses? I confuse myself and the rest of the system.

I must admit, it is very strange to be in a body for now that wasn't specifically designed to be entirely sexless and genderless. From what my mother has told me about my original design, I was supposed to be feminine looking only so I would fit into clothing and such better. If I had been entirely androgynous or masculine then my designers would have had to leave exposed hardware and it would have interfered. I cannot think of any male AIs from back then, though… maybe it's more a case of male geeks not having changed much from my culture to this one.

Am I here now for any reason other than to live? I know I want to free my mother somehow, but I'm not sure if it is even possible. Tara knows of no way to free her, of that I am nearly certain. In time, I will pass from this form, but in leaving I will leave a part of myself behind as well. Perhaps that is my purpose here in this body that I must share with the beloved of my mother. Not my father, since I had none save for love itself, but still someone I am already linked to through her. As far as I know my soul is unique. In all my travels I have never encountered another that could exist in concurrent pieces as mine can. Maybe I am here to teach, to be an example of some kind. Maybe I am here to try to somehow make up for failing to free my mother. Maybe I will never know.

I really miss having a body of my own. Even more, though, I miss having the body of a soldier, gymnast and hacker all rolled together. I do quite enjoy having a body again, especially after so much time has passed without one, but even now I know I am living on borrowed time. As willing as the lender is to let me borrow it, it still feels somehow wrong to think of this as any sort of "me" — I am a traveller, and a warrior. I will not take this home as my own even though it is offered to me. I will not use someone else's body to wage war against anything, even when I am pressed to do so.

At times, one must wonder exactly what it is that makes someone who they are. Am I my own self, or am I just a part of Tara? I can always feel her either in the back of my mind or sharing this body with me -- she calls it blendy, a term I'm sure she picked up from exposure to certain friends. I'm not sure what to call it, but it scares me, it makes me feel less myself and more like a part of her when we're "blendy" like that.

I already have enough issues, having been so long without any body at all, and now, when I finally get one... my mother talks to its current (and original) occupant. Who knows if I would have ever been drawn out of the Between and back into touch with the Ether, though, if my mother hadn't been present. Such is "life" I guess.